Thay it ithn't tho

http://entertainment.msn.com/movies/hotgossip/6-05-08_6

I'm really just hoping this one isn't true. I'm not a Drew Barrymore fan. But if she's in another movie with Adam Sandler, I'm there.

But a tongue piercing? Is she nuts? Drew Barrymore already has a pronounced lisp, that even the pseudo-marginal-oh-so-posh British accent that she occasionally puts on can't hide. A tongue ring ain't gonna help.

Aside from health implications, consequences for employment prospects and the fact that you have to live in fear of high power electro-magnets, a tongue piercing gives you a lisp. Yeah, yeah. It can be "pleasant" for an intimate partner. Whatever. There are other things that you can do that are pleasant that don't make you sound like, well, Drew Barrymore. And that's just if you start out without a speech impediment. What happens when you already have a lisp? I doubt it will reverse the problem.

Drew, honey. Unless you plan to start making silent movies this is not a good idea . I know you've got that wild child, free spirit rep to maintain. But why not just get another butterfly tattoo? Or take up tantric sex? There are all sorts of hippie dippie things you can do that won't lead to you sounding like you've got a mouth full of tapioca.

Breeze

You know the phrase "it's not the heat, it's the humidity"? I can testify, that is true as hell. Because I've lived two places that are hot as hell. And how much moisture is in the air makes a huge difference.

I've lived in a desert. And when it's dry, there's not that much difference between 82 and 102. You just don't feel appreciably hotter. Which can be dangerous, because you get dehydrated and don't notice. Then you're passing out on the side of a mountain from heat prostration. I've heard. But just for comfort level, a hot summer isn't all that big of a deal.

On the opposite side of the coin, Dallas is pretty humid. It's not as bad as places right up on the coast, but we have out moments. Moments where it's like living in Hulk Hogan's armpit. Last night as I walked to my car at the train station, it was probably only 90, but I wanted to just lay down there on the blacktop and die. Ugh.

But then I got to my car. And here's where humidity has it's advantage. The faster you go in your car with the windows rolled down, the cooler it feels. Something about the water in the air just makes you feel cooler. Now in a dry climate, you go fast with the windows down, and it's like hot sandpaper is blowing in your face. Like it's going to rub your skin right off. Unfortunately, with gas prices the way they are, jumping in the car and riding around with the windows down is no longer an economical way to cool off. I think it's going to be a long, hot, sticky summer.

Cool

Big doings at my house yesterday. First, I installed ceiling fans. Yeah!!!!! They are so fabulous. And in two ways. Obviously, they make my place incredibly comfortable. My place is small, and I put fans in every big room but the kitchen, so the air just really flows around. Sweet. I can put the air to a much higher temperature and still be really comfortable. You can't underestimate the value of that going into what looks like it's going to be a very hot summer.

Second, the fans replaced some ugly ass light fixtures. The bedrooms had those generic, square, glass, nothing lights. You know the ones that are flush but have open edges so the dead moths just kind of accumulate in there? Uck. And the dining room/laundry room/exercise room had the most heinous chandelier ever manufactured. Every time I'd walk by it, I'd be filled with uncontrollable feelings of hatred and loathing at its unequivocal ugliness. The worst part was that it had these free-hanging glass panels. Every time I'd make the transition from dining room to laundry room, I'd rollout my laundry cart, and smack the damn chandelier. Acommpanied by out of control clanging as the glass panels would clank against each other. I know I do dumb things. I don't need sound effects to punctuate it every time. But the fan looks terrific. Lots of lovely air when I'm exercising or laundrying. And very pretty light for dining. I'm so bloody clever.

I also had the dishwasher replaced. It was the original machine. Over 20 years old. Here's the thing. Dishwashers have become so efficient, that we don't remember how much they actually sucked 20 years ago. The weren't really dishwashers, per se. They were more like an autoclave for your plates and utensils. You had to wash the all food off your dishes before you put them in the "dishwasher". They were really dish rinsers, rather than actual dish washers. But they have come a long way since then. Only mine was 20 years old. And had become even less effective in those 20 years. The last time I used it, it didn't even clean off the coffee that had dripped on the door. It was basically a giant drain rack for the dishes I had hand washed. And it was basically driving me crazy. I can't stand machines that don't do what they should. It's like having a lazy servant. And I will not have that. So the dishwasher had to go.

Texas had a tax-free weekend for Energy Star appliances over Memorial Day weekend. Sweet, right? So I picked up a reasonably priced machine, and paid for installation. But, if you were with me through my move-in you'll remember, my kitchen was such a greaseball when I first moved in, I figured that I should pull out the old machine the night before, and just to a little cleaning before they came for the install. I knew there were 2 screws that I had to undo to get the machine out, so I whipped those out. Put my fingers around the sides. And pulled the entire front door off. I'm pretty sure a person can't look dumber than the dumb/shocked look you get standing there with the door of the dishwasher in your hands. Which got me to the "oh, screw it" point. I just leaned the door against the machine, and waited for the helpful Sears delivery lady to come cart the piece of crap away. Lazy, no-good servant! You are dismissed. And don't expect a reference!!

Hey, get off my lawn!

I've only seen one picture of Barak Obama and John McCain standing together.  They're hard to find.  You know why?  McCain is no dummy.  He looks crusty standing next to Obama.  There's older and experienced and there's just plain old.  And standing next to somebody like Christopher Dodd or Ron Paul, McCain looks fairly reasonable.  Plus he's got a cougar wife.  That helps.  He just looks like a politician.  

But you stand him in close proximity to Obama and he just looks old.  And he can talk the experience line all he wants, but you can't help but want to tell Grampy that he'd better sit down and take his blood pressure medicine.  It's like if I was on the Bachelor (in some bizarro world where all the laws of probability and common sense are turned upside down), I wouldn't want to stand next to a 19-year old at the rose ceremony.  Sure in those extra years, I've gained wisdom and perspective.  But my ass is also riding about an inch and a half lower than it was before I hit the 2 decade mark.  A little distance between me and the sweet young thing would work to my advantage.

So as they look for McCain's running mate, maybe this is something they might want to take into account.  Mitt Romney standing next to him might not be the best idea.  Maybe they should get somebody like Arlen Specter or Ted Stevens. Ted Stevens was Jesus' Sunday school teacher.  Too bad they can't get Robert Byrd since he's a Democrat.  He's old as dirt.  He'd make McCain look practically spry.  They could call it the Grumpy Old Men Ticket.  

Fun with words

Here's a dilemma I've never quite unraveled - if you know that the correct way to do something is one way, but that's not the way everybody else does it, do you still do it the correct way? Okay, that's confusing. How on earth would you know what I mean by that? Sorry. Allow me to elaborate.

I'm a bit of a word nerd. I like words a lot. It's not like I would sit down and read a dictionary. But if I hear a new word, I will go look it up (my Momma raised me well), especially before I go use it myself. And if I'm not sure how to pronounce it, I won't even attempt it. But there are some words that are fairly common usage, that for one reason or another I know are commonly mispronounced. Like:

• Forte: When you mean loud it's for-tay, but when you mean "a personal strength", it's fort.
• Fillet: It's usually confused with filet (pronounced fil-ay), which is for meat, rather than fillet (fill-eht), which is for fish.
• The Dutch cheese gouda is pronounce gow-da, rather than goo-da (of which I was informed by a reliable source who was standing in a windmill and wearing wooden shoes at the time).
• The you pronounce the final "g" in VanGogh in the Dutch manner, rather than saying VanGo like he was some sort consonant droppping Frenchy (also pointed out by the wooden shoe sporting, and slightly cranky, Hans).

Would I ever correct someone for saying these things wrongly? Nope (my Momma raised me quite well). But, I always hesitate before saying them myself. Should I pronounce it the right way, and then have to explain myself when somebody attempts to correct me (other people's Mommas appear to have fallen down on the job), and sound like a real uptight snoot? Or just say it the wrong way? Which totally goes against my natural fussbudgettiness. I could potentially take aside each and every person that I ever come into contact with and privately have a detailed rundown of commonly mispronounced words (hitting liberry and aks along the way) before we ever have to use them in conversation, but I doubt everyone would find that conversation as amusing as I would.

For the most part, I ditch the schoolmarm routine, and just say things wrong, even though it does twist my drawers just a little. Goo-da is just as tasty as gow-da, after all. I may be uptight when it comes to this kind of thing, but that can just be our little secret.