Friday, February 19, 2010

Politically correct? No. Funny? Hell, yeah.

I make no bones that I don’t like the Family Guy. It works my last nerve. And it’s just one more thing to dislike Sarah Palin over that I feel the need to come down on the FG’s side in defense of the First Ammendment.

But turns out that I don’t have to! The actress in question, who happens to have Down’s, is doing just fine on her own. If Sarah Palin (fluffball* Republican extraordinaire) gets taken down by a woman with Down’s Syndrome, I will laugh myself sick. It just seems so . . . fitting. In so many ways.

I especially find it funny that Palin was too mad to issue the full response for her family herself, so she had her daughter Bristol do it. You can just see her as President, “Ooooo, I’m so mad at the Russians. Bristol! Handle it!”

* Really, she is a fluffball as far as Republicans go. If you aren't good on any of the issues that I usally rely on Republicans for (foreign policy, deficit, a wide stance . . . on the issues), what good are you to me? Fluffball.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

It ain't cat scratch fever

You know how they say some people would complain if you hung them with a new rope? Hello. Please allow me to introduce myself.

At least in the winter here in Texas. When it’s cold, well, it’s cold. And I think my feelings about that are pretty clear. But when it’s warm, that’s mountain cedar time.

Mountain cedar is actually a juniper. It grows like crazy in central Texas around the hill country. It really takes hold in areas that were over-grazed by the cattle industry. Mountain cedar is in season from around the start of fall to around the middle of spring. And it pollinates like crazy whenever the weather warms up past 45 or so. You know you’re standing next to an active mountain cedar when you think, “Hmm. I wonder who lit my sinuses on fire.”

Most people seem to have a reaction to mountain cedar, known as cedar fever in Texas. From mild itchy eyes and a tickle in the throat, up to full blown allergy attacks. You could probably put me on the hood of your car and use me as a locator. As soon as my eyes turn red, you know you’re headed in the right direction.

Mountain cedar is actually not all that common in Dallas proper. But warm weather and prevailing winds bring the pollen to us. On a day like, oh, today. My head is pounding, my eyes feel like the cat has been using them as toys and my left sinus keeps trying to pop out of my right nostril. I find that most allergy meds are moderately effective. And if you slap on a layer of AllergenBlock, you have a fighting chance.

It’s just one of those little things about living in Texas. Like people who think queso is a food group or believe that Jesus cares if the Cowboys make it to the Super Bowl.

Ring Around the Poser

Okay, I don't know why I care. I don't. But I keep looking at this picture of Spencer and Heidi Pratt from their press tour, I mean, romantic weekend in Vegas. I mean, you can classify them as douche and douchier, and how they actually get people to take their picture is one of the mysteries of the modern world. And I don't want to go all Zapruder file on two people who officially take the word "celebrated" out of "celebrity".

But why would they use such an obviously fake picture??? That is the worst PhotoShopping job I have ever seen. The kid from the Microsoft commercials ("There! I made it better!") could do a better job. You could have put Big Foot where Spencer Pratt is and it would look more believable. And actually it would be more understandable that someone would marry Big Foot. At least he's famous for a reason.

Unless, of course, that's just a visible aura of twittishness that surrounds Spencer Pratt at all times. Like Pigpen from Peanuts. He just has this cloud of stink that appears as a halo of failure around him. That actually is believable.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Great Experiment

Well, today it starts. And the first thing I did this morning was pick up the remote to check the weather on the TV. Ooops.

So, let’s talk ground rules.

TV is off limits. No series, no news, no movies. No TV shows streamed on the internet. No summaries of TV shows that I follow on the internet or in the newspaper. If I hear unsolicited information about a series that I follow inadvertently, I call that a no-fault error, but I will not deliberately ask for any updates – say “NO” if I ask you. The only exception will be made in the event of severe weather, and only in order to here live updates on a local station (i.e., tornados, ice storms, volcanoes). I can watch one DVD a week, but only on a weekend and only in the company of friends, and only full-length, theatrical release movies. All movie-theater movies are allowable, but should be kept to a minimum. The TV will be turned on once a week for DVR maintenance – no sound, no picture.

As far as food, most convenience foods are out. Packaged foods are allowable, but only if there are 4 or less ingredients on the label. White flour and sugar are allowed, if used in a homemade product, but should be avoided. Restaurant food is allowable as long as it follows most of the philosophy of the experiment – Taco Bueno is out, Kua’i rice bowls are in. Fruits, vegetables, whole grains and meats should make up the majority of what I’m eating.

All until April 1st.

Now why am I doing this? The main goal is to see: 1) what my life is like without TV sucking up so much of my time; and 2) see if I feel any healthier by eliminating most of the additives and preservatives in my diet. And I’ve tried to set up the ground rules to follow that philosophy, but also not set myself up for failure. The fudge room I’ve built in (the one DVD a week, and white flour and sugar) are gray areas that I’ve given myself the benefit of the doubt on.

My anxiety level has gone down a lot in the last 24 hours. It’s put up or shut up time. Nothing to it but to do it. Lock and load. Yep. 6 weeks.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Eat, watch TV and be merry. For tomorrow . . .

Well, this is it. Tomorrow the Great Fast begins. No processed foods and no television.

So basically, I’ve just been bingeing for the last 4 or 5 days. I’d been experimenting with the clean food thing since January. But since Friday, it’s been pretty much hitting my favorite trash food spots for the farewell tour. CiCi’s pizza. Sonny Bryan’s barbecue. Candy. Soda. Get in my belly! And tonight, it’s the piece de resistance of hurts-so-good food – Taco Bueno. Ah, Bueno. I love you so. The Muchaco (basically like the Taco Bell Gordita, but greasier to a power of 10) would probably make the Eat This, Not That guy have an apoplectic fit and reach for his smelling salts. Screw him. I’m eating two of them. And I’m stopping for Twinkies and Hershey’s syrup on the way home.

And I’ve been pretty much making sure my DVR is empty, so that I can handle the load of recordings that it’s going to have to take. I’ve got half a season or more of a load of my favorites (Burn Notice, Project Runway, Celebrity Fit Club, Celebrity Rehab, etc., etc. and etc.) AND In Plain Sight will be starting the new season next month. And they were at a very critical juncture. Will Mary come out of her coma? Will her mother stay clean? Will Marshall grow a set and tell Mary he lurvs her? Will I kill anyone who spills the beans before I can catch up? Hell, yeah. [Actually, I’ve already pre-determined that I will not actively seek out any plot updates, but will take any spoilers as karmically pre-ordained and just the way the cookie crumbles. The unprocessed, homemade cookie, with no artificial colors or preservatives. Yummy.]

But now I know what they mean when they talk about addicts showing up intoxicated at rehab. There’s no way I’m rolling into tomorrow dry. I’m watching the boob tube until 11:59:59. And chomping a Muchaco all the way.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Is it Liberatus Day again?

Ah, another Liberatus Day. The happy holiday for singles. The holiday that says, thank the baby Jesus that all those couples holidays are over. No more gag-worthy diamond commercials.

And I think I'm most happy that the cult of Romantic Love takes a break for awhile. I get that the couple squishies are great. And I know it sounds bitter and old maidish. I just get tired that the love that I feel for my family and friends is de-legitimized because I don't have a "the One". Sad. Tant pis. Boo hoo. Poor me. But thank you. I am fine. Leave me alone, And no, I don't want to "flirt" on FaceBook. I'm happy! Really! See? Smiling! Happy! Buzz off!

Sorry, I've just got a little rage built up. Happens every Liberatus Day.

For all my single friends, bless your hearts and stand proud! For all my married friends, sorry, the reign of terror had to end. There will be more diamond commercials by next Thanksgiving.

TIME: Quotes of the Day