Friday, May 2, 2008

The Joke You See Coming from a Mile Away

You've gotta hand it to good old Ms. Deborah Jean. She went out like she lived. Her way. Can't keep a good bitch down. More than any last secrets, the thing I'm really hoping was in the suicide note was a special request for her burial: A tombstone that says "Told ya I wasn't going to jail."

Tempered Iron Man

It is looking like it's going to be a good summer for movies. Just in indie films, I already want to see: Then She Found Me, Young@Heart, Priceless, The Life Before Her Eyes, And When Did You Last See Your Father?, Son of Rambow and The Foot Fist Way. And this doesn't even start to crack the major releases like Indy (yeeeeee haaaaaaaw!), Speed Racer

Major digression: My first response when I heard Racer X was going to be played by Matthew Fox was going to be played by Matthew Fox was "NO! NO! NO!" I mean seriously. This is miscasting of a serious and tragic nature. Mathew Fox is in no way shape or form Racer X. I say this as a person who had an 8-year old case of the LUVS for Racer X. I could probably name a dozen other actors who could have played that part. Vin Diesel comes to the top of the list, to whom my response would have been a resounding "yes!". I'm still going to see Speed Racer. The film technology they used sounds interesting at the very least. But let's face it. Unless Fox can pull of the counter-programming coup of the decade, this is going to be a major misfire.

and The Fall. And starting it all off is Iron Man.

Iron Man has been on my radar since I hear Jon Favreau. I loved his Zathura. And I trust him to direct anything in the scifi vein. And I never read Iron Man, so I don't have any fear that it would ruin something old and beloved for me. Plus, the Comicon preview had people dancing jigs to see the full version. And now that I've had a gander at the new and improved Robert Downey, Jr. Well. Wacca wacca.

Who knew? I've never been a fan (his drug years were a major turnoff for me), but it looks like he could make me a believer. I'd bet the Actors' Studio doesn't recommend years of drug addiction as a method for preparing for a movie role, but in Downey's case, the history may be playing in his favor for this part. He has that "through the fire" look that totally sells you on him knowing whereof he speaks. And let's face it. That's sexy as hell.

Eeewwww! Barabara Walters had an affair with a crusty old senator!;_ylt=AltNo6Q2HGg3R_fne_oSoVNxFb8C
Wait a minute, he was kind of cute. Eeeeww. He had an affair with a crusty old Barbara Walters!

What on earth would possess her to tell about this now? Did she really need to tell everybody she hit that? Sooo not classy. And sooo bizarre. Does anybody really care that Barbara Walters and the first popularly elected black Senator got jungle fever in the disco era? And another slutty politician. Yeah, that's a shocker. Stop the presses.

This is not juicy gossip. This is dry, old, tasteless gossip. You've heard of TMI? Well this is DINK (Did I Need to Know?).

The not-Knot

Why is it that I can never find that truly comfortable "Aaaaahhhhh" place in bed until an hour before I need to get up? Even in my sleep I can feel it. The vertebrae shift. The knee rotates. Hands turn up. Muscles go limp. Bam. There it is. Completely neutral. Completely relaxed. Precisely comfortable.

I can try to get to the comfortable position before that last hour, but I can never find it. It's never the same as the night before. And never intuitive. It's like my body is one giant Rubik's cube that I need to twist and roll and twist again. Or like some top secret code that I have to crack. Until, something, some enigmatic twitch, and it all clicks into place.

Before that click moment, I would have been happy to get up. "This is useless!" My neck all kinked up. My back all kinked up. My whole body is just one convoluted kinkfest. And it would actually be a relief to give up and get on with my day.

But once that little knot unties, there's nowhere on earth that I'd rather be. Sweet, sweet lethargy. But lethargy salted with dread - the alarm is coming. Now forcing me to do, what 5 minutes ago I would have volunteered to do. In the moment, it's so good. And it will be so short. That, my friends, is the definition of bittersweet.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

don't let the screen door hit ya where the good lord split ya;_ylt=At7.YK14YHfp8hsDldoaEaFvzwcF
Hawaii wants out? Let 'em.

Yeah, Hawaii is nice. Beaches, volcanoes, waterfalls. All very pretty. But they're not the only pretty fish in the sea. We have options.

Puerto Rico is pretty damn nice. It's got beaches. It's got jungle. It's got Arrecibo. And the food is waaahayyyhayyy better. Hawaii has roast pig and poi. Poi is nasty. Puerto Rico has lechon asado (better roast pig) with mofongo. And arroz con gandules. Can you say "sofrito"? That's Puerto Rican love. And, one word - rum. Game, Puerto Rico.

And PR isn't the only offer we've got. How about Guam? The US Virgin Islands? Or a little place I like to call - the District of Columbia?!?!?! DC has put in the time. They deserve statehood.

If Hawaii wants to bail, I'm not going to beg. Make like Lee nails, and press on, baby. But don't come calling when Russia decides they need a little annex room. Or when that tidal wave you've been keeping an eye out for decides to show up. Our Coast Guard will be busy protecting the people who want to be citizens. Aloha means "hello" and "goodbye".

Hints from Cheap-o-uise

In my continuing efforts to make the bottom line a little fatter (and anybody who just thought my bottom is fat enough already can kiss it), I'm compiling a list of generics and off price stuff that are just as good as the "real thing." Some knock offs aren't worth the money. Like cheap toilet paper. Cheap TP isn't worth the money. When it comes to my bits and pieces, I want the good stuff. But sometimes the cheap version is just as good, if not better. Here's the ones I've found so far. And please feel free to chime in with your own. I'd love to hear about them.
  • Walgreen's knock-off of Zyrtec. When Zyrtec came out as off-the-shelf, I was excited. Until I saw the price tag. Wooo mommy. But I tried the Walgreens "Wal-Zyr" and I have found it fantastically effective. I'm buying the 90 day supply, and it runs about $0.30 per day. This has been the most pleasant spring allergy season that I've been through in about 30 years. Nary a sniffle, nary a sneeze.
  • Archer Farms knock-off of FiberOne bars. I adore the FiberOne bars. My philosophy is that a tidy colon is a happy colon. And the FiberOne bars are delicious, with about 1/3 of your daily recommended fiber intake. The Archer Farms version has the same fiber, but is about 10% less delicious. But it's also $1 cheaper a box. That's a substantial difference when every penny counts.
  • Kroger lime flavored seltzer water. I transferred over to seltzer water to save on calories. And I've found that the store version of any plain seltzer is as good as any from Canada Dry or St. Croix or (godforbid) Perrier. There's no substantial taste difference in any of them, in spite of a very substantial price difference. And the Kroger lime is better than any of the other flavored seltzers.
  • Kroger orange juice. Who'da thunk? Store brand OJ. I've compared it to MinuteMaid, Tropicana, Simply Orange and, of course, Sunny D. It has topped all of them in fresh flavor. And that's for regular, extra pulp and low acid. This was one where I thought for sure the name brands would be better, but it hasn't played out that way. Just shows to go ya.
  • Okay, indelicate to mention, but to save you the money - Target generic "compare to Tampax Pearl". It doesn't. It is nowhere near as good a product. The name brand here is a far better bet, and worth the extra dough. The generic doesn't have any of the "extra features" of the Pearl, and is barely as good as the regular version of Tampax. And it costs about the same as the regular version (galling). Don't waste your money on this one. I'm staying a Pearl Girl.


Okay. Well. Here goes. I'm going to start parallel posting on Blogger and 360. I'm feeling a little whorey and unfaithful about this. In truth, I'm a very loyal person. If you want somebody to stand back to back with you swords drawn as the evil hordes converge, I'm your girl. Or if you have a flat tire in a bad part of town, I can help with that too. It's not as much fun as evil horde stabbing, but anything for a friend.

And Yahoo!360 has been a friend to me. They've made it easy for me to start blogging. They've given me tools that I've had fun using. We've been likethis since way back. I was even an early adopter on a Yahoo!mail account. I've had that address for-ev-er.

And now I'm cheating. I've got a little somethin-somethin going with a sanchito. And I'm not making a clean break. I've got my steady and my thing on the side. And I feel kind of dirty about it.

So, in the words of the Clash, should I stay or should I go? If things get better with 360, I could drop Blogger like a bad habit. But since 360 and I are at a point where we're just not communicating (come on, ya gotta let me know), it's kind of iffy if this relationship can be saved. I don't see a way around it though. For now, I'm going to post both places, and monitor comments in both places. Hopefully, I can get to the point of deciding to pee or get off the pot quickly, because I really thing having everything in one spot is the better situation.

Anyway, here's the Blogger address: . I've also got it as a feed on my front page. We'll see how it goes. Keep me posted on your reactions to the different sites. A lot of my decision will be based on what I hear from you. Thanks for the help.


TIME: Quotes of the Day