Pass the sauce

I had thought that everybody hated vegetables. I’ve never really liked them. Fruit, yes. Veg, no. They taste bitter. They give you gas. They take an inordinate amount of chewing. Why would anyone like them? Oh, sure. We all fake it. The way people say they love jogging or War And Peace is their favorite book. Oh, yeah, right. Me too. But we all know it’s a lie. And we all eat them because they’re healthy, and it’s the “right” thing to do.

And I eat them. The thing is, that if I say “good vegetables”, what I really mean is “good condiments that mostly cover up the taste of the vegetables”. Crudite is really just an extremely efficient condiment delivery system. But really, eating a bowl of raw, plain vegetables would never be anything but an exercise in self-flagellating masochism. And anybody who does that with glee is just a sick bastard.

Or at least that’s what I thought. I’ve been reading the Flexitarian Diet. And apparently, I’m a strong PTC (phenylthiocarbamide) taster, and the bitter part of vegetables just bothers me more than some people. So those people cheerfully chomping on carrot stickers really aren’t just a bunch of lying liars. Surprise me.

Evidently, I’m not alone. Lots of people are tasters. It explains the rampant use of cheese sauce and ranch dressing in this country. We have enough residual Pilgrim guilt that we’ll eat our vegetables. But only with enough nacho cheese to nuke them into oblivion. Blame Mary Poppins and her spoonful of sugar.

So, if I’m going to go into a more healthy flexitarian mode, my main strategies are going to have to be adding fruit as much as possible, focusing on beans and whole grains, and when necessary condimenting the hell out of any vegetable that I can’t avoid. In a completely healthy manner, of course. Yeah, right. Fat, salt and sugar are the only things that make those nasty little beggars bearable. I’m just going to have to do my best to keep them under control.

But in the interest of NOT keeping things under control, here is my favorite coleslaw recipe. It’s got so much whackiness going on that you can hardly taste the cabbage. Plus, it’s a “dump” recipe – you can find all the elements in the grocery store pre-cut. All you have to do is throw it in a container and let it meld a little to get the flavors all whupped together. Goes great with just about anything you’d find at a picnic. If you insist, you could cut some of the badness with low fat sour cream and mayo. Martyr. But as it is, people who swear they hate coleslaw love this stuff. And it's vegetables. So it must be good for you.

“Hot” Slaw

¾ cup sliced green olives
¼ cup chopped pickled jalapeños
¼ cup mayo
¼ sour cream
2 tablespoons cider vinegar
1 teaspoon sugar
1 bag of prepared coleslaw mix

Drain the olives and jalapeños. In a large bowl, mix the olives, jalapeños, mayo, sour cream, vinegar and sugar. Toss in slaw. It’s best when allowed to sit at least an hour. Serve like you slaved on it all day.