There’s a columnist out in Los Angeles, Sandra Tsing Loh, who has recently come out with a piece, Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off (http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200907/divorce), in the Atlantic that’s basically the case against marriage. She sites a lot of cultural, societal and psychological forces that make marriage an archaic institution of questionable value at best, and a really stupid thing to do at worst. [I may be stating the obvious here, but she’s currently going through a divorce.] She sums it all up with: “In any case, here’s my final piece of advice: avoid marriage—or you too may suffer the emotional pain, the humiliation, and the logistical difficulty, not to mention the expense, of breaking up a long-term union at midlife for something as demonstrably fleeting as love.” Wow. Yee-ouch.
I’m always wary of people who make blanket statements based on their own anecdotal evidence. Witness my own assertion that no one really likes vegetables (turns out some of you really do like those bitter/nasty things – freaks). I inferred from my own experience, and was wrong. And, admittedly under a lot of stress, she’s making a big leap to throw the marriage baby out with the bathwater.
I’m not married. I don’t think I would be a very good married person. That’s my personal evaluation of the situation. But I don’t think that marriage is a bad thing. Done right, it’s pretty damn beautiful. The divorce rate would argue that a lot of people are not currently doing it right though.
And here’s my spinster analysis of the situation: It’s not that marriage is outdated in a post-agrarian society, or that our culture no offers more choices for relationships, or even that our personalities wire us to make long-term pair bonding impossible in an era where we live past 30. Here’s what I think it is – not enough people know who they are before they get married, and haven’t dealt with their sh** prior to pledging till death doeth us part. And if you haven’t quite dealt with all of your sh** (which is a lot to ask), you should have at least identified all your sh**, and made a cogent plan for dealing with said sh** and disclosed the location and proportions of your sh** to your beloved, prior to dragging somebody else into the cesspit with you. Your boo having a willingness to help you out with the sh** shoveling (and vice versa) is a big help too. That’s it. Identification and disclosure. Here are your keys to a happy marriage. Drive safely.
Okay, it’s easy to talk when I haven’t ever committed entered into holy deadlock. But as far as I’ve observed in all my years of watching people get married and divorce, it’s not outside forces that pull a marriage apart. It’s the people inside it that blow it up. My advice wouldn’t be to avoid marriage. My advice would be to not avoid your own sh**.
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9 comments:
My simple personal take: if you want kids, get married. If you don't, don't.
Marriage is a raw deal for many women and even worse getting divorced mid-life plunges many ladies into unexpected poverty.
I can't tell you the # of women friends not (yet) divorced who pull me aside and say "stay single!" That is pretty frightening. I don't have those kinds of warnings in other aspects of my life, no one pulled me aside off to a corner to say "stay a renter" or "don't get a college degree, its a waste," etc. So when I get random, unsolicited warnings like this from a # of unrelated women all on one topic, I tend to listen.
I think there are some advantages to getting married. I see them in people who have gotten married (usually the second time AFTER they have had one marriage conk out from not dealing with their issues). Somebody to back your play. Be a sounding board. Somebody you share history with. And they've gotten married less from external pressure, and more from making a public statement that they take each other seriously.
But if you aren't in it for real and all they way - especially being honest with yourself ahead of time of how much you're going to give - then just don't do it. Unfortunately, I think a lot of couples lie to themselves, and each other about how for real they are.
As a member of the "mid-life now in poverty" sector, I would agree with FP's generally assessment ... disclose and deal with your sh***. Unfortunately, some guys think their sh*** is really your sh*** and therefore expect you to roll over and lay in it.
Yeah, that would be an essential problem. When denying you have any sh** to deal with is part of your own personal fiesta del caca.
FP - well said. That should be part of the vows, "Do each of you heareby swear that you have fully dealt with your own sh**?"
I see too many brides and grooms on those wedding shows who are simply dazzled by having the most ostentatious wedding ever without realizing the what it all means. One of my former co-workers bragged about how fabulous (and expensive) her wedding was while I was planning (and partially paying) for my own simpler and cheaper event. She was divorced almost exactly 1 year after the event. We're still going strong nearly 11 years later!
Isn't it absolutely excruciating when someone's telling you about their fabulous wedding plans, and you're thinking about what a complete mess they are? You're just thinking there is no way this is going to work, and wondering if they're registered with a good marriage counselor.
11 years is damned impressive.
11 years is pretty darned good these days, even though my aunt told Mike last Thanksgiving that she thought for sure he'd leave me when I had cancer. Now where did that come from?! It's now our own inside joke and I frequently thank him for sticking around. My aunt is a little nutty (and a little inappropriate too).
I have a few of those relatives too. The ones that seem to be a little too involved in listening to whatever music is going on in their own heads. La la la.
In some ways you'd just have to take it as a compliment, however backhanded. He exceeded her expectations. Lord knows where her expectations come from . . .
Your aunt needs to THINK before she opens her trap - damn. I hope you all gave her the silent stare after that one.
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