Cut! Stop tape.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/02/people.vernetroyer.ap/index.html

Why is there a Vern Troyer sex tape? I can't even get my brain around that one. Why can't people learn this one simple lesson - when it's naked time, turn off the camera. The homemade porn thing is just not a good idea in the age of YouTube. Somebody will get ahold of it. And if you are even remotely famous, some wingnut will pay to see it. I'm no porn fan, but I can almost understand people paying to see Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. Let's face it. They are respected practitioners and innovators in the field. And practically deserve semi-professional status. But for the most part, I can't see what you'd get in a made-it-my-ownself porn tape that you couldn't see in your own home. Or in Vern's case, wouldn't want to see in your own home. (Though if the 50 minute running time is true, well, done you, Mini Me.)

But those homemade porn tape people always act shocked that their naughty bits are available on the internet. They say "We made it for our own enjoyment!" Why? Were you not there? See, there's this thing called "memory". And you can just close your little eyes and you can see the whole thing over again. As many times as you want. And you can even spontaneously edit the mental footage. That moment where you elbowed your partner in the head? Delete. And it's gone. Or you can change the heads on who you had sex with. And you don't even have to learn PhotoShop to do it. Add in special effects. Make things bigger. Put in a wallaby watching in the corner. Whatever floats your boat. Just go crazy. And it's all in your head. So no chance that it will end up as a $14.99 DVD. Or on YouTube.