Suit up!

Would somebody mind explaining to me $390 for a bathing suit?

I’ve been a subscriber for years to Daily Candy’s newsletters. I’m not a trendy person, but I do like to stay informed on what’s going on in fashion, food, entertainment, etc. Just for giggles. Truly giggles. The prices on some of the things they consider “essentials” (as in the essential for spring, not as is air) can be a teensy bit appalling. But they sometimes venture out of the Land of Conspicuous Consumption to give a heads up on something nifty, new and not the cost of sending a kid to Yale, and I appreciate them throwing the proles a bone.

But today I’m looking at their sneak peek at bathing suit season. There’s this cute little pink number. Not too high cut in the legs. Not too low cut at the top. Righteous color. I’m thinking . . . holy catz. $390? Say what? For a bathing suit?

I mean, what is the excuse for paying $390 for a bathing suit? You’re going to the local pool where you will spend 90% of your time in water up to your chin, 9% under a cover up and 1% in transition between the water and the cover up? You’re going on a stellar vacation and want to look great in front of people you don’t know and will never see again? You want to attract a man? Sister, there’s one key to attracting a man – show up naked – and the beach is one place where it is socially acceptable to get really close to that in public without violating city ordinances. Anything you spend that is more fabric than 2 eye patches and a bandage held together with dental floss is a waste of your hard earned dough.

Admittedly, I’m a skinflint of the old order. I would be hard-pressed to pay $390 for a new kidney without haggling a little bit (can’t fault a girl for trying). And even I might pay $100 for a really spectacular bathing suit for a once in a lifetime vacation. But we’re talking really frigging spectacular. Like a bathing suit that gives me an instant boob job, tummy tuck and butt lift and makes me not look fish belly white spec-tac-u-lar.

And I do realize that anything in the $400 ballpark is probably very much a mid-range in this department. Slap a Versace logo on this suit and the price probably goes to $1,200. But come on. It’s a pretty piece of Spandex. Not the Shroud of Turin. Though, actually. That might make a really interesting one-piece. I probably would pay $390 for that.