The Bad, The Ugly and The Very, Very Good

SWEAR ALERT - This post contains some bad words. What can I tell you? It really hacked me off.

So last night, I get back to my home train station late. It’s been doing the freezing mist thing for a few hours. Barney the Wonder Truck looks like a glazed donut. I get in to start the engine and defrost my window. After 10 minutes, it’s not blowing hot air. I whip out the Super Duper Ice Scraper with Extended Handle and Brush. I go at the ice with a vengeance. And it reacts with indifference. I persist. It relents. And by the time I get the side and back windows, things on the bottom edge of the windshield have softened up enough that I’m able bang off the ice pretty quickly. Of course, I can no longer feel the tip of my nose. But no matter. I’m on my way.

Right past the big church (denomination will remain unnoted for reasons that will become apparent momentarily) on the corner. Who has their FUCKING SPRINKLERS ON! Spewing water right on to the sidewalk and street. It may be a long time since I was in a pew, but I do know this is not Christianity in action. What would Jesus do? JESUS WOULD PUT HIS GODDAMN LONG JOHNS ON, DRIVE DOWN TO THE CHURCH AND TURN THE FUCKING SPRINKLERS OFF! You know, so that people won’t be driving through a freaking death trap tomorrow morning. I know the church wants to help you get to heaven – but only eventually.

I wake up and it’s cold as hell. And my usual route is over a bridge that ices. So I take off a little early to go the safe (yet longer) route. And get to the train station late. I hustle. I’m not going to make it. I will be standing on the platform for 20 minutes waiting for the next train. Then I hear a ding-ding. The conductor is looking at me – the door is still open. I RUN.

I’d like to say right now – though I don’t even know your name – Mr. Conductor, I. Love. You. Seriously. Today you are my best friend in the entire world. I love you more than any other train conductor on this planet (even George Carlin, may he rest in peace). You are a gentleman, and a prince among men. May the tracks rise up to meet you. And may your days be merry and bright. And you look very nice in your uniform.