To the manners born

I’ve been thinking a lot about manners again. Both because I’ve seen heartwarming displays of courtesy, and truly appalling, were-you-raised-in-a-barn shenanigans.

I get that a lot of the old rules don’t apply any more. The thing about a gentleman escorting a lady on a sidewalk should be closest to the wall because if someone throws a chamber pot, he should be the one to take the dousing. Outdated, yes? One, because we now have equality, and that means we all get an equal chance to be besmirched. Just because he’s a fella doesn’t mean he has to take crap. And, two, I can’t remember the last time I dumped a chamber pot out a window.

But we tossed the etiquette baby out with the modern bath water. Just because some of the old rules were broken doesn’t mean that we just don’t need rules any more. Manners are what keep us from annoying the hell out of each other. Sure, we’re more casual as a society these days. But even the loosest association needs some boundaries to work.

But if we’re going to all agree to rules, it would seem like we’d need to agree on principle to some guiding philosophy. Something that is a minimum standard, and if the rule of etiquette doesn’t follow those guiding principles, then it’s probably some made up non-sense that somebody is trying to get over on you. [Like that “the wedding present should be equal to the amount the wedding host spent to entertain you” BS. If you don’t like the couple well enough to get them a gift from the heart (regardless of cost, or lack thereof) that expresses your delight that they are forming a life together, don’t go to the wedding. Even if they have an open bar.]

I think three basic principles should be:

Practicality: There should be some practical purpose. Like RSVPs. They don’t exist to annoy people. They exist to make sure that the host buys enough hot dogs and buns for the barbecue. Or that the host doesn’t end up eating leftover hot dogs for 3 weeks.

Respect: There are just some people who should be afforded more respect. Give up your seat on the bus to old people (they’ve put in their time), pregnant people (they are letting their body be used as a condo in order to continue the species) and, I’ll go ahead and say it, active military personnel (yes, they’re in good condition and have no problems standing; that’s not the point). You may have others you’d add. And while we’re at it, people who are being shown respect should just be dignified about it. None of this, “Are you saying I’m old?” business. A sign of respect is a compliment, not an insult. Take your due, gracefully.

Avoiding unpleasantness: Okay, that one is a little harder to define. Let me give an example. You get to the door first. There is someone a few feet behind you. You hold the door for them. Not because they aren’t strong enough to hold the door. Because it is REALLY FREAKING UNPLEASANT to have a door slam in your face. And unless you’re walking into a Medieval fort, it’s highly unlikely that the “big, strong man” is going to have to be the one opening the door. Any of us can do it. And any of us can hold the door an extra few seconds to help someone else. I help you avoid unpleasantness, you help me. See how easy that is? Also applies for toilet seats. Why should the rim be put down? Because, if I don’t notice that the seat isn’t there, it is REALLY FREAKING UNPLEASANT to get the cold, wet surprise. And if we go by the principle, many of the unpleasant bumps of the day will be avoided. What is the result? Less pissed off people. I think that would make for a nicer world.

So maybe we don’t need an elaborate, written code. Maybe if we view our actions through a few guiding principles, it would be enough to get us through this nutty ol’ life. And these 3 are just a shot in the dark. Maybe if we talked about it as a society, we’d come up with better principles. Mainly it would just seem to be common sense. But how do we know what we have in common if we don’t talk about it? Something so simple. We talk about how rude people are. But we don’t talk about how to fix it.