As Black Friday approaches, I’d like to make a brief public service announcement to the American People:
Hello, America! It’s almost here. Christmas shopping season. And I’m hoping that we can all just stop here before the hustle-bustle starts and . . . whooooeeeeww . . . take a deep breath . . . whooooooffff . . . let it out. Roll the head. Shrug the shoulders. Shake it out. That’s it. Relaxed? Good.
Now. Look me in the eyes. No. In the eyes. Got me? Excellent.
There is nothing in the Wal-Mart worth dying over. There is nothing in the Wal-Mart worth killing over. There is nothing in the Wal-Mart worth getting upset about. There is nothing in the Wal-Mart that you need bad enough to harsh your overall holiday mellow.
Shoulders still relaxed? Good.
Ditto any other store. Also any product. Not $25 big screen TVs. Not the last Bakugan in the state. Not anything. If you find what you’re looking for, that’s great. If you get a good deal on it, even better. If you can’t afford to buy it unless there is a Black Friday ad in which only 6 of them are offered for a ridiculously low price, you probably don’t need it. Wait. Let me check. No. There are no kidneys or livers on the Wal-Mart Black Friday ad. So, no, there’s no chance you actually need anything there.
How we doing? Okay? Still feeling loose? Breathing okay?
Yes. I know it’s mass consumer heresy. By the day after Thanksgiving we should all be amped up to such a state of frenzy that we’ll line up at 4:00 am to get a shot at a $1.99 laptop. But I just want to offer, it’s okay. Relax. Enjoy your Thanksgiving. Get up the next morning, and read the ads over a nice hot beverage. Maybe mosey out and pick up a few presents to stimulate the old economy. Put some mental effort into it and buy a thoughtful gift for each of your loved ones that is within your budget. What you can afford is good enough. And if someone complains because you did get them an extravagant enough gift . . . Well, I don’t really need to complete that thought, do I? Give smiles, kisses and hugs liberally. Make a potholder. Bake a pan of brownies. Walk somebody’s dog for them. And if you luck out and find that $1.99 laptop? Well, consider it a Christmas miracle.
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4 comments:
This is why I will spend Black Friday at the yog astudio helping out at the annual "Burn the Bird" workshop and generally NOT shopping or looking at ads.
As a former field soldier in the battle that is Black Friday, I generally leave it to the amateurs. Over the last few years, I've had much more luck just keeping my eyes open throughout the year, and picking up things I think people will like. That way I get good value and low stress.
Sadly, I work in Tyson's Corner now and I'm dreading coming to work on Black Friday because all the crazy schmucks will be up the road at Tyson's Corner I or II.
I hope I can just work at home, but I think it's going to be crazy from Black Friday to January 1.
You have my deepest condolences. Having to go to WORK in Black Friday traffic is just the worst of both worlds. And damn their eyes for making you work the day after Thanksgiving.
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