Make Old Friends

There’s this thing about what hip cities are attracting people in their 20s on Yahoo! Great. Tell me where that is. So I can avoid them.

And not because I find people in their 20s low-level annoying (but can I get an “amen”?). I want to avoid those cities because they’d be contrary to one of my best beauty secrets. So, you look a little older. You’re sagging and bagging a bit. What’s cheaper than a face lift? Hang out with people who are at least 10 years older than you are. The older, the better.

It’s something I discovered with my Theatre Three subscription. When I went on Saturday afternoons, the median age of the crowd was somewhere around 68 (I’m guessing). That's median. The average had to be around 73. Honey, I looked like a spring chickadee. I was Hannah Montana in that crowd. Not only was I noticeably dewier than my fellow theatergoers, I could scuttle up those stairs like a mountain goat. And I could keep awake for a full 45 minutes in the dark. Check me out.

And it actually makes that whole younger woman older man thing make much more sense. Marry a wrinkly old dude, and you have someone who makes you look younger by contrast contractually obligated to hang around you. Think Catherine Zeta Jones. By Hollywood standards, she’s really long in the tooth. But standing next to that apple-head doll she married, she’s a gold-digging, young hussy.

So, why would I move to a town where I’m the one making other people look fresher and younger? Personally, I’m thinking of moving to Boca Raton. Cougar? Patooie. In Boca I’d be a sex kitten.