I was talking to a couple old friends at the birthday party in DC this weekend, and somehow the topic of old nemeses came up. The bullies that made our lives hell back in the school days. We each had one that we remembered by name, and by torture technique. One of the girls had been contacted years later by her bully, who had apologized. Now they’re in contact, friends on Facebook, etc. Evidently it was cathartic for both of them.
If my bully contacted me, I don’t think I could do that. And it has less to do with who she was or who she’s become. It has to do with not wanting to be back in touch with who I was and staying who I’ve become.
Sure, forgiving and forgetting and let’s be friend is warm and fuzzy. It’s the After School Special happy ending that comes with understanding and maturity. It would be the nice thing to do. It might make her feel better. But 20+ years later, I don’t have any compulsion to be nice to people who have treated me poorly. If I’m nice, it’s because I want to be. And I’m nice to people who are nice to me. All others can kiss my ass. Craving approval is probably what made me a target in the first place. And I just don't do that any more.
Sure I could be the bigger person, and if I forgive and forget, she’d have closure. And frankly, that would feel like she would have won again. She picked on me back then to feel better about herself. And she’d be apologizing now to feel better about herself. Too bad. Choices have consequences. And one of the consequences of being a bully is that there may be people out there who would never want to associate with you. Not forgiving is my closure.
This is all really moot. There’s been no tearful apology in my e-mail. And I really don’t wish her ill. Some people might say that I’m doing myself harm by not forgiving. Too me, though, it’s about me. Not her. And the person I am today stands up to bullies. Even the ghosts of bullies that haunt my head.
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4 comments:
I can rekate - I'm of the "forgive but not forget" school as well as being a "burn me once shame on me..." advanced degree holder -- I would not let a person like that back in my life, but I don't wish them ill well -- just wish them well away from me.
I try to save the forgive and forget for people that I have some humane history with. If all they are is a bad taste in my mouth, I really feel no moral obligation.
Life is too short. Don't spend a lot of time forgiving everyone; be selective.
Just stopping by to say Hi, Julie. It's been a long time. I was the last one at 360 and did remember to turn off the lights. I got a Blogger account, something I never thought I would do.
Hey, Glo! Love the pic!
I was sad to see 360 go down. But my avatar lives on, in green haired glory. Blogger's been pretty steady. But I miss some of the old 360 bells and whistles.
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