Skin

My energy is all screwy. Like in a seriously, hippie, my chi is out of whack way. It’s kind of come and gone for the last year or so. Usually it takes something drastic, like shaving my head (Britney, I do understand you) or base jumping or something to blow this kind of stink out of my head. But I’ve just kind of let the funk linger. I’m starting to get musty.

I think part of it is that I’m tired of being me. One of the things I learned to appreciate moving around as a kid is that every new town, every new school was a chance to be somebody different. Not Sybil different. But just a tweak here or there. Some small personality change that would seem like a cry for help to people you know - Is something wrong? You don’t seem like yourself – but really is just somebody you’d like to be.

Like at my last job, I was a whackier version of myself. Always with a funny story, or a new foreign accent, or a practical joke. I’d always been quieter before, but this was a sales group, and I could be a bigger personality without seeming out of place. I’ve been at this job for quite awhile now. And whackiness doesn’t really fly. So I’m quieter. Not as funny. Not as creative. Which was cool, at first. It’s very relaxing to not be on all the time. Now I’m just kind of bored with it.

But I’m not looking to change jobs. And I’m in a place where my family and friends all know me. I just don’t want to BE me. Not this me. The French have that thing, “biens dans sa peau”, or comfortable in your own skin. Which I guess I am. Comfortable enough. I’d just like to shed the one that I have. But I haven’t figured out how you change who you are without changing where you are.