Must you?

Okay, last night I finally saw the commercial with Valerie Bertinelli in a bikini. Geez. That’s crazy stuff. First off, all respect to little Barbie Romano. She rocked it out. And there may be a certain amount of subtext there directed at her ex, Eddie the Cryptkeeper Van Halen, who is currently reaping the rewards of lifestyle in which you succeed in living fast, but don’t manage to die young, and can completely write off any hopes of leaving a good lookin’ corpse. And I think the subtext would be “suck it”. She looks phenomenal. No question.

And I will freely admit that jealousy may be tingeing my opinion on this, but I’m starting to really think that these low-fat, high collagen, hyper-toned, lush haired, 40+women really need to start throttling back. I’m looking 40 dead in the eyeball. And I admit I want to look good for my age. But I absolutely DO NOT want to put in the kind of effort that would make me look phenomenal for my age. I want the standards to be relaxed. I want the freedom to not feel guilty for giving myself a break. I want a few wrinkles to be expected, not fought tooth and nail. I want a couple of earned pounds to be a badge of merit, not a sign of failure.

As I turn the 40 corner, I was kind of looking forward to the lowering of the bar. Not wanting to look good in a bikini. Wanting to look good in a one-piece. Possibly one with a little skirty deal. Not 40 being the new 30. 40 being the new 40. I blame that bitch Demi Moore. She may not have started this whole “great at any age crap”, but she definitely escalated the arms race in aging. My beauty regimen was minimal already, and I want to do less, not more. And now there’s a new salvo from Berinelli, when I was hoping that the things might calm down. I’m looking for détente. A Warsaw Pact of Beauty. A Beauty Regime Non-Proliferation Treaty. Give peace a chance.