Bad Word

I'm going to talk about something that, yet again, doesn't really reflect well on me. At this point, you are thinking, "Woman, is there anything that you do that shows you in a good light?" To which my reply would be "Modesty prevents me . . ." blush, blush. Of course this has the lopsided effect of making me look like a giant asshole on the Internet. I swear I'm only an intermittent asshole in the real world. But I've been thinking about this a lot, so what the hell? And in fact I have sat on this post for a couple of weeks. But with Tropic Thunder coming out and the protests, it seems as good a time as any to go there:

It's the word "retard". In all it's forms. I shouldn't use the word. But I do. Frequently. I went through "Free to Be You and Me" in elementary school. I went through the "Sensitivity Awareness Symposium" in high school. I've been to corporate sensitivity training. I know better. A lot better. I still do it. It's like the uptight, white people's "N" word. But it's just soooo satisfying to say. Are you a retard? That's retarded. Quit being a 'tard. Retard. See? It just slips out. I call people I know and love retarded. I called the guy in the Jag who nearly ran me down like a dog in the streets of Dallas a retard. I think our national policy on sex education in schools is retarded.

But here's the thing. I don't know anyone who's retarded. I know people who are mentally challenged, differently-abled, learning disabled, autistic, ADD, dyslexic and even just a little slow. I wouldn't call any of those people retarded. Because they aren't. Retards have gone the way of the dodo and the dinosaur. They just don't exist any more. We've done such a good job of redefining all the categories that used to be under the broad label of "retarded", become so sensitive to those differences, that I'm not even sure if there's much of an association left there at all.

But the word is definitely still there. It's like "stupid" with stank on it. And I think some people who work with the "mentally challenged" or have a family member who is, still really, really hate that word. I can understand that. And I'm really careful about who I say it in front of. But I know I'm not the only one who uses it. And I'm not sure I'd want to just give it up. I say a lot of words that offend people. Profanity is my second language.

I should give it up. I should. But it's like the smoker who knows it's just going to kill him and keeps on puffing. It's like the black man who knows that the "n" word is destructive, and busts it out anyway. Nobody wants to give up the bad thing that they do. It's my bad thing. And I kind of love it. I can rationalize it six ways from Sunday. I should give it up. A good person would. But will I? I don't know.