All the news that's fit to print.

Today I've had to write a few pieces for the office newsletter. Ouch. Ouch. My brain.

Newsletters are a very specific sort of writing. I used to do it all the time at my old job. But now I'm severely out of practice. Blogging is a totally different animal for me. There are lots of ways to do it, but for me I just pretend like we're all just shooting the breeze at the local coffee shop. If you've read this blog, you more or less know what I sound like in real life.

But office newsletter writing is much, hmmm. Plainer? You are writing for a wiiiide audience. And the closer you get to the middle of the road, the more successful you'll be. If you've got mad literary skills, save 'em. Nobody wants to hear metonymy or alliteration while they're trying to eat a bag of microwave popcorn in the lunch room. You have to be informative, not scholarly. You have to be business-like, yet friendly. Humor is encouraged. But of the "ha ha ha" variety. Not the "heh heh heh" variety. And irony is strictly forbidden. Irony leads to standing in the HR office while you apologize to a co-worker.

So, when I stare at my monitor, struggling for words, I think to myself "What would Barbie write?" Barbie would be a perfect newsletter writer. She'd keep it light, bright and breezy. She'd never cross the line. Of course it's printed on pink paper, but it's always squeaky clean.

When Julie gives a recipe for watermelon agua fresca on her blog, her serving suggestions include substituting the "agua" for Stoli. When Barbie gives the same recipe, her serving suggestions include garnishing with mint and frozen blueberries. That Barbie. She's such a nice girl. And so informative!