I may not be a fashion maven. I may not be a fashion icon. I may not even be fashionably unfashionable. But I do live by a fashion code. I have 5 immutable laws by which I live. Oh, sure, it's just fashion. You can play. But there are a few hard and fast rules of the road that I have collected along life’s hazardous runway. I give them to you as my little gift.
- There’s only so far you should go for a look: Sure you can suffer for fashion. But here’s the thing, as good as those shoes look when you’re standing in front of your full-length mirror at 8:00am, how good will they look when you’re hobbling along like the undead at 3:00pm? Blood dripping from your shoe will kill any look. Sex and the City takes place in a magical land where Cosmos have no calories and Manolos don’t make you go “ow ow ow!” If you don’t live in this marvelous land of make believe, no your limits.
- If a store does not have at least a 3-way mirror, they are virtually asking you to return anything you buy. Don’t feel guilty about it: Really, they are just setting themselves up for failure. Single mirrors lie. Either you will get home and do a thorough inspection with adequate reflection or, lacking those resources, you will ask a trusted friend, “Does this make my ass look fat?” And if you have to take it back, the additional paperwork they will have to do is in no way your fault.
- Not everyone needs to see your underwear: In fact most people don’t. From thongs that say “howdy” from over the waistband of your low rise jeans to expensive “lingerie look” glad rags. Whether it’s underwear that was meant to be underwear, or a slinky satin Versace evening slip dress with corset boning and the finest lace trim, I say a difference that makes no difference is no difference. You’re still standing on the street corner in your skivvies.
- When it comes to sweaters, you can never be too fluffy: Witness JoAnna Loudon (the lovely Mary Frann on Newhart). She was the goddess of the fluffy sweater. Okay, in retrospect, the shape of her sweaters was a little, shall we say, geometric in the extreme? (Shoulder pads from hell.) But the fluffiness? The fluffiness. Nobody has ever done it better.
- If you are going to the beach, test your bathing suit for adequate tensile strength before you pack. Save yourself the heartache. No matter how traumatic it is to shop for a bathing suit, it is worse to end up washed ashore with your bottoms riding at half mast. Don’t ask me how I know this.
8 comments:
Another helpful hint for #5: one piece. Less chance of losing any parts.
My hints:
1. never wear shoes that make your feet appear larger than they actually are
2. wear a hat and sunglasses - in winter and summer - it adds glamours, protects, and if you rock it right, you get lots of compliments
3. not EVERYTHING goes with blue jeans - esp. not most colors in the teal-green-aqua group - if you have a teal top wear white jeans or black slacks
4. do not be branded by others - never wear a label bigger than a postage stamp
5. if you are plus-size, do not carry a tiny purse - trust me - the proportion is just funky to the eye and makes you look like a pachyderm and his little mouse friend
Des: On the one piece - yeah, you'd think that would help. Maybe not always. Don't ask.
WG: My sister swears that wearing bigger shoes makes your ankles look smaller. We worry about these things. Cankles run in the family.
And amen on the labels. And they have the nerve to charge extra for the giant advertisement on my butt. If I'm going to be a walking billboard, they should pay ME.
Ok, I think we should get the swimsuit incident blog soon.
And as to the branding, I agree. My dad always says that they should pay him to advertise their name. I also think that when you see cars driving around with the company's name on it. If they tried to sell me a car like that, they would have to remove the company name, or knock a few hundred off the price.
Actually, I've heard you can make money on that driving your car around painted for advertising. And then at the end of the contract, they repaint it whatever color you want for free. As long as they were willing to pay me, I'd call it fair.
And, um, what bathing suit?
I will chime in as a plus size person in TOTAL agreement with the small purse comment and will add that spandex should not be available in the big-girl stores! A large lumpy body should go for a less clingy fit. Big girls should not wear any clothing items that contour to their hail damaged thighs!
Okay, this tiny purse/robust figure thing is something I've never noticed before. Now of course since y'all have brought it up it will be all that I see.
I am certainly NOT the queen of fashion; however, to the young zoftig girls, please STOP wearing those swirly calf-length skirts and short tight tops that chop you (visually) in half. On the flip side, there's the tall leggy volumptous blond who is always dressed to the nines, hair and makeup perfect. I feel like such a slug around her!
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