Back Down to Size

Sometimes the Universe steps in to keep you from getting a big head.

Saturday I was having a lucky day. Verging on magic. Everywhere I went, there was a good parking space. I found Gold Toe socks at the $ store. I found a used copies of Clue and the Full Monty at the Movie Trading Company. I found the end table that a friend was looking for at the World Market. Not just good. Perfect. And half off. Oh, yeah. I was running late for a show, so we stopped at a place for dinner that I had had a bad experience at (the Liberatus Day Hushpuppy Debacle), but knew would be pretty fast. And it was fast. And fantastic. Even the tartar sauce was good. And I hate tartar sauce. I'm telling you, the Universe loves me.

The next morning, I go over to my parents house to help them put away the Halloween stuff. My Dad is making waffles. Could the streak continue? It's so nice out, I'm in my barefeet. What could be better? Then as I'm taking stuff out to the car so that I can leave, I step out the door and onto a wasp.

Yes, I was still in my barefeet, thank you for asking. Holy cats. Such pain. I'm sure there are things that are more painful - gunshot wounds, getting hit by a bus, cattle prods. But of normal things that could happen to you, a wasp sting on the bottom of the foot has to be right up there. Wasps are mean.

On the positive side, at least it happened at my folks house. A place where they actually have meat tenderizer to put on a flaming foot. If it had happened at my place, all I could have done is rolled around on the floor moaning and damning all stinging insects. But as it was the pain, though excruciating lasted only 10 minutes or so. But thank you, Universe. I get the point.

Get Tim Gunn on the line! Stat!

Okay, the funniest thing about this picture isn't even the outfit. And this Bianca-Jagger-bad-night-at-Studio-54/home-ec-project-gone-wrong hot mess is hard to top.

The funniest thing about it is Katie's hip popped "And, girl, I look cute" pose. Smirk included. Hilarious.

Top 10 Halloween Songs - Monster Mash NOT Included

I thought it was about time that I updated my Halloween “playlist”. I LURV Halloween/Dia de los Muertes. A lot. And music is just all part of it. If you don’t get the willies when hear Tubular Bells from the Exorcist, you need to check your pulse. But let’s face it – not easy to dance to. So here are my current favorite Halloween jams:

1. Vampire Girl by Jonathan Richman – Jonathan gets “intrigued when they look like a vampire girl.” My kinda fella.
2. I Put a Spell on You by Sreamin’ Jay Hawkins – Okay, it’s a cliché, but sometimes it’s a cliché because it’s true. Play it for your sweetie.
3. Dead Man’s Party by Oingo Boingo – Best zombie song ever.
4. Zombie by the Cranberries – Best zombie song . . . oh wait a minute.
5. Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon – Even Tom Cruise looks cool lip-synching this one.
6. Halloween by Dave Matthews Band – Love is scary.
7. Vampires, Mummies and the Holy Ghost by Jimmy Buffett – I’m with you Jimmy. These are the things that “scare me the most” too.
8. The Time Warp by Riff Raff – For all my sweet transvestites out there.
9. Psycho Killer by the Talking Heads – Come on. David Byrne is scary.
10. I Want Candy – Hellz yeah!

And a #11 Bonus - Don't Stop Me Now by Queen - If you've seen Shawn of the Dead, you know why. And hell, it's Queen.

But you SAID . . .

Some days, I’d just like to pick up my mouse by its tail and just start whacking my computer around the head like a drunk pirate with a brand new cat o' nine tails.

You know that thing where you want to yell, “Do what I want you to do, not what I tell you to do?” You make one tiny wrong little click and it futzes up the whole thing. And you’ve done that thing right a million times before. The computer knew what you wanted. It just is in a pissy mood and decides to do what you told it to do. You know. Just to piss you off.

It’s like when you tell a kid, to share. Then they look at you with big, round, innocent eyes – “You said to share the Snickers with Jimmy. So I gave him the wrapper. What? That was part.” Oh, you knew exactly what I meant, young man. Don’t hand me that.

So you ask the computer for the Accounts report. And it gives you the Accounts report. All 4,000 pages of it. Instead of the 14 pages tiny section of the Accounts report that you always ask for. Every time. You never want the entire Accounts report. Nobody wants the entire Accounts report. It’s 4,000 pages. And it makes no difference that, yes, you did ask for it. But the computer knew that’s not what you meant. It’s just being a weasel. Don’t hand me that! You knew what I meant!

Two Scientists Walk Into a Lab

Out of the blue, it suddenly occurred to me. That story about the smell from farts lowering blood pressure? How did they think to test that?

Two scientists are standing in the lab, looking at mice. One scientist says to the other, “You know, you keep farting. And that should be pissing me off. But for some reason, I can just feel my blood pressure going down . . . EUREKA!!”